October 22, 2010

Oh, the eye candy!

So, since my "awakening" (ahem), it seems as if my eyes have gone through some changes.  I never used to notice women in my everyday life...just went on about my business with my head down.

Well, I finally looked up.

The Seattle area is filled with dykes.  Oh. My. God.  The lady at the seafood counter at the market--so obviously gay.  I strut back and forth in front of her, wearing my cutest outfits and pushing my little cart.  Sometimes I stop and ask her a dumb question about Dungeness crab.  (Sandy, if you are reading this, call me!)

Gay girls, all tattooed and angsty, making my coffee.  I want to say, "Yes, I'll have my vanilla latte with a side of you, please."

My obsession has even spread to internet admiration of the female form.  Not trashy, fake stuff like Playboy or Penthouse, but real classy stuff. 

There's this website called Les Femmes and they have pictures like this:

Christ on a cracker, I feel like a thirteen year old boy.  How is a baby dyke supposed to get any work done?

October 15, 2010

Coming out to my daughter...

I decided tonight was the night I was going to tell my older daughter(she's 14) that I am gay.  I put the little one to bed, called her  downstairs and softened the blow by offering her cookies and milk.  Cookies and milk!  Who can resist that?!

We stood in the kitchen eating our cookies.  My voice shook as I explained that I've always questioned my sexuality, and that I dated a woman before I got married. I told her that recently these feelings came back to the point where I'm sure now that I am gay.

She was a little amused, at this point I think, smiling because she was nervous and it was surreal.

She asked me what this means for our family.

"I can't stay married to a man if I'm gay, honey," I said.

She cried on my shoulder so much that the sleeve of my sweater was soaked.  She and my husband are so very close and she wanted to know how he was dealing with it. I explained that he supports me fully and that we are committed to maintaining a peaceful home and continuing to be best friends. 

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

At the end, she said, "Mom, I get it. It's who you are and you can't change that. It's just a lot of information to take in at one time."

"By the way," she said on her way up the stairs, "Those cookies will forever be known as the gay cookies."

For more information about coming out to your children, please visit the COLAGE website at http://www.colage.org/resources/coming_out.htm

October 8, 2010

A kiss and a crash...

I invited my new crush over to my house and then out for lunch.  After she met my kids and I gave her a tour of the house, we walked over to a Mexican restaurant where she spoke Spanish to the waitress.  (Did I mention that she's trilingual?  OMG so sexy.)

After lunch we walked down to the beach.  She took off her jacket and laid it down on the rocks so we would have something to sit on.  We held hands and cuddled, and she kissed my hands and rubbed my back.  I heard the waves in the background but everything else was absolutely still.  Eventually, our faces turned towards each other and we kissed.

It was like the whole world stood still for a moment.  This is what people write love songs about, I thought.  I saw angels and heard trumpets and my heart was exploding.  It was the most perfect kiss ever.

Marred only by reality....

My new crush was sleeping on a twin bed in her son's room until her ex-girlfriend moved out, but things there seemed a little weird to me.  I had always heard about the never-ending lesbian breakup but I never witnessed it for myself.  Until now.

They still went out to dinner, watched movies and had beers together.  When her ex had car trouble, M ran right over to figure out what was wrong. 

She would text her ex when she was having dinner with me.  (Behavior I would NEVER have tolerated from a man.  If a guy texted his ex while on a date with me, I would have picked up my purse, all classy-like and walked right out.)

I was starting to feel like the other woman, the rebound girl.  I worried that there was still a chance they would get back together and if I was wondering, surely her ex was hoping.

Things got worse...

I saw her in class and she looked at me with tired, bloodshot eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm tired of crying.  I was up all night," she said.  "She stole my phone in the middle of the night and read all of our text messages."

"So she's got my phone number now?"

"Yes, but I don't think she will call you."

 I really had to weigh my options here.  How much do I want this?  I could walk down the street and hold her hand, but she refused, saying she wanted to "respect" her ex.

Finally, it hit me. 

I'm the third person in that crumbling relationship.  I realized I had to back out, if only for the sake of my own dignity.

"If you are crying over her," I said, "Then you still have unresolved issues with that relationship.  I cannot be the one to heal you. 

I want you to contact me when and if your relationship is truly over, and you can be with me for real."

Now I can't breathe.  Love like this just doesn't go away, right?

October 1, 2010

Signs that I was gay...before I even knew

I'm finding it humorous that now that I've come out, I've discovered many signs that should have clued me in to my gayness SO much earlier.

Here's my list:
  • I always brought up the gay topic to gauge someone's reaction. For example, I would mention at a large family dinner that I went to a gay bar and got hit on by other women. (True, by the way.) But I would bring up the subject specifically to see if they were gay-friendly or not.

  • I used to go to gay bars alone. (Um, hello? What straight, married, soccer mom does this?!)
  • I have a painting of a naked woman sitting on the edge of a bathtub...I always thought it was so beautiful: her long hair, the curve of her back.  

  • One of my favorite things in my house is my statue of Artemis, Greek goddess of the hunt...my new friends tell me this is SO gay.

  • I had a huge crush on my college math teacher.  She was also the coach of the girl's volleyball team.  Straight, but very butch.  I used to hang around after class and offer to carry things back to her office with her.

  • I love all the typical lesbian music: Indigo Girls, k.d. lang, etc. But I was so obsessed with Melissa Etheridge that a few years ago, my mother asked me if I was gay.  Of course, I quickly said no.

  • I always avoided touching other women. 

Since I've come out, no one has been shocked when I tell them I'm gay.  I suppose if they knew me well, they knew that I always liked girls.  But if it was so bloody obvious, why didn't they tell me?

What about you? What were the signs you were gay before you knew??