November 29, 2011

We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy

I frequently get emails from readers asking me for advice.  While I don't consider myself qualified to tell anyone to model their choices after my two year train-wreck, I thought I'd post some of the questions and answers here, just in case it may help someone else.

Dear Sassy: I left my husband for a woman and now she's driving me fucking crazy! She wants to know where I am all the time and feels threatened when I go out with my friends without her.  She wants to move in with me *rightthissecond* but hell, I just got out of a 15-year marriage to an abusive, controlling man. The last thing I want is that kind of commitment.

She also feels very insecure by my efforts to reach out to other lesbians. Is this normal? HELP ME!

- NotaUhauler

Dear NotaUhauler:

I think it's really typical for the "out" lesbian to be somewhat suspicious of the baby dyke's efforts in reaching out to the queer community.   Not healthy, in my opinion, but typical. I've found women to be so much more jealous and possessive than any man I've ever been with.

When we first come out, we're in a different place than the woman who's been out for a while.  Untangling from a marriage, shifting from straight to gay, raging's a friggin' vortex that is sometimes unbearable.  I don't envy the single lesbian who's standing by watching this and sometimes the object of our wrath and indecision.

But, I think what can actually help is explaining to her that you would feel this way no matter who you are in a relationship with. NOT ready for a U-haul situation, NOT ready for a GPS tracking device, NOT ready to share a home with someone else.

My friend Dani told me, "Men are easy. You feed 'em, you fuck 'em...they're happy." 

Women? Way more complicated.  They require reassurance and phone calls and goddamn processing. Get used to it, girl.

Email me your questions too!



November 15, 2011

The Gay Ways I Have Changed

I haven't been here in a while, folks. And I could whine and tell you everything that has been going on in my life, but there's only one reason why I haven't been writing lately:

Graduate school is kicking my ass.

BUT, in the meantime, I have created a little list of ways I have changed since I came out (almost two years ago, can you believe it? I shall throw a party for my fabulous gay self.)

1. I no longer carry a purse. Driver's license and credit cards go in my back pocket.  There's something really sexy about reaching into your back pocket to pay for a lady's drink.

2. Short hair, short nails. Enough said.

3. When I walk into a gay bar, I no longer feel like an imposter viewing that world from the outside.  I walk in with my dyke swagger and own the place.

4.  I am not afraid to get naked in a room full of women.  This is not what you're thinking, sluts, I mean at the spa. 

5.  I have learned that I have to watch what I say to women.  Chicks can take one LITTLE FUCKING thing out of context and go off for hours about it.  Sometimes I'd just rather have dental work done.

6.  I think like a gay person now.  My life before was about laundry and making dinner and how I could make my husband's life easier.  Now I realize that I was a reluctant participant in a heterosexist world.  Fuck that.

7.  I have this profound sense of happiness now, even on my worst days I feel confident, peaceful...and just a little naughty.