August 30, 2010

Wait...I'm what?

About six months ago, I climbed into bed with my husband.  Having just celebrated our tenth anniversary, I had no idea how he was going to react to what I was about to tell him. I explained to him that I was having these feelings and they wouldn’t go away. Feelings of attraction to women. Again. 

He put down his book, looked at me and said,

“Babe, you’re gay.”

Er, what?  (He was always blessed with spectacular gaydar.)

You see, I’ve always known that I wasn’t, shall we say, 100 percent straight, but I thought it was something I could control. Something that if I tried really hard, I could forget about and live without.  A few times during the course of our marriage I had sought out women and tried to start relationships, but it was never the right girl or the right time.

I didn’t even really consider myself bisexual, even though I had been with a woman before I got married. Everyone experiments, right?

I guess it took me a long time to realize that when being with a woman becomes a part of your soul, it’s more than experimentation. And when that craving makes you see into the future a life you never imagined, that’s more than experimentation.

But how could I be gay? GAY?! I always dated men and even married two of them. I was boy crazy for most of my life.

But...I never felt that 'can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t-live-without-you' love and attraction that my friends felt for men. My best friend asked me once, “You know, that feeling during sex when you feel drunk on him and your eyes roll back into your head?”

Um, no.  I didn’t know that feeling because that didn’t happen to me when I was with men. I had no desire for men at all, even to the point of begging my doctor to find something hormonally wrong with me that would explain my low libido.  I didn't make the connection that what was hormonally wrong was that I was sleeping with the wrong gender.   

But could I really transform every aspect of my life just to satisfy myself?  Aren't mothers supposed to sacrifice themselves for the best interests of the family?  Could I really come out to my parents and my children?  Could I look at my comfortable surburban lifestyle complete with a great man, cute kids, huge house and still walk away?  What about the collateral damage...would my kids hate me?  Would my parents disown me?

My husband moved all of his stuff into our guest room and said he'd always be my best friend.  I settled in to sleep alone...

and so begins my journey.