August 27, 2011

Where does the love go?

After 18 months of the drama merry-go-round, I just jumped off. 

Told her I need no contact in order to heal and move on.
I'm exhausted, bruised, confused, spinning. 

Need to stand still for a while.

I've never felt so much fire for another person, never loved so deeply, never tried so hard.  In the end, I couldn't do it.  Couldn't make it work no matter what I did.  There was nothing more I could do.

I'm not a punching bag.  Can't be the sponge for her to vent her toxic anger.  No need for me to repent for all the past sins of those who came before me.  Can't make her feel worthy if she doesn't believe it.  Shouldn't have to heal my partner.

Is it possible that the fireworks I felt for her were me finding myself, the puzzle piece finally clicking in place that I am gay, and that it may not have been her specifically? 

Could it be that I projected all these super intense feelings onto my “catalyst” but it was really a reflection of what I was feeling internally, finally finding myself? 

It doesn’t diminish her importance in my life or in this process, but it also doesn’t mean that she’s “the one.” 

I've unchained myself.  I'm walking away.  I deserve better.

I really deserve better.

August 22, 2011

The gay things I've done lately

I now live in a very progressive, gay-friendly town.  It soothes my sweet little soul to see gay people whenever I leave my house. 

The other day while driving to work, I saw a man with a full beard wearing a pleated skirt, combat boots and a tiny white sailor hat on his head. 

Yesterday, I saw a butch in a bathing suit riding her daughter's bike in front of my house.

I'm happier than a pig in...well, you know.

So what else have I done?

I joined the office softball team (isn't this SO gay?!)

I met the cast of The Real L Word.

Whitney told me my hair looked great!

I resisted the urge to grab Rose's ass and instead got as close to her as I could for this picture. She smelled AMAZING!

I went out to a straight club and got my boobs grabbed by a hot little blonde straight girl in the bathroom. (I'm pretty sure I could have taken her home but honestly, I didn't have the energy.)

It's been a pretty fun summer.  And feeling more like me every single day...