August 27, 2011

Where does the love go?

After 18 months of the drama merry-go-round, I just jumped off. 

Told her I need no contact in order to heal and move on.
I'm exhausted, bruised, confused, spinning. 

Need to stand still for a while.

I've never felt so much fire for another person, never loved so deeply, never tried so hard.  In the end, I couldn't do it.  Couldn't make it work no matter what I did.  There was nothing more I could do.

I'm not a punching bag.  Can't be the sponge for her to vent her toxic anger.  No need for me to repent for all the past sins of those who came before me.  Can't make her feel worthy if she doesn't believe it.  Shouldn't have to heal my partner.

Is it possible that the fireworks I felt for her were me finding myself, the puzzle piece finally clicking in place that I am gay, and that it may not have been her specifically? 

Could it be that I projected all these super intense feelings onto my “catalyst” but it was really a reflection of what I was feeling internally, finally finding myself? 

It doesn’t diminish her importance in my life or in this process, but it also doesn’t mean that she’s “the one.” 

I've unchained myself.  I'm walking away.  I deserve better.

I really deserve better.


  1. Yes, you're totally deserve better. And you will find it.

  2. I'm going to guess that yes, she was indeed your catalyst. I was someone's catalyst very recently. She left her husband and was "in love" with me. But I recognized it for what it was...I represented the life she had subconsciously longed for her entire adult life. So, I never let it get far -- I wasn't about to enter a relationship with someone who just left a happy marriage. (The only thing that wasn't happy was that he wasn't a female!).

    The thing is, this relationship was likely one huge growth after another for you. And that's a good thing. Now you can heal, take time to be on your own, and then find the next Ms. Right.

  3. Yes, you do deserve better than what you were getting.

    Not to totally hijack your post but...what is it about lesbian relationship drama? I know...huge overgeneralization...but I've seen some of the most ridiculous, emotional rollercoasters between lesbians (myself included - I'm going thru it right now).

    What is it about US that gets so complicated and hurtful and hateful?

    I spoke with my dad yesterday and poured my heart out. His sage words were to feel the hurt but not let it close me off or dissuade me from falling in love again. And the way to do that is to realize that I (and You by extension) deserve better that what's presented to us right now.

    Damn right that You are not a punching bag.

  4. It can be scary to cut the cord, but soon enough, you'll be thankful for doing it. Of course, you might have relapses... the need to talk to her might seem overwhelming... but hang in there. You can (and you have to) spend some time without contacting her at all. You can do it.
    Yes, she might have been your catalyst, and no, you cannot solve her emotional struggles for her.
    Think about yourself and give yourself a chance to meet the right one. Step 1 is to let go of this woman. Then you'll be in the right state to make a connection with someone else.
    Take care!

  5. Ultimately, people can only fix themselves. Although in relationships we always seem to overlook that...

  6. you do deserve better! i had a friendship with a girl who claimed to love me, but her way of 'loving' me was to try and push me into leaving the person i was married to, bc she decided that she was better for me and she didn't care what i wanted. isn't it funny how the people who claimm to love us are the ones who manipulate and abuse us b/c they can't see it's not love, it's selfishness? if you truly love someone, you want what's best for them. i had relapses too in talking to her, but it does get easier the longer you are apart...

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  8. I've been there. I think we all have. When we love someone but enough finally becomes enough. I'm glad you got out of that toxic relationship and realized you deserve better.

    Take care.