Wedding Ring

 

I never realized how much
I fondled that ring on my fourth finger
Until I took it off

Eventually the white stripe
Faded in with the rest of my skin
Erasing every tangible proof
That I used to be his

(Originally published in Connections literary magazine Fall 2005)

When one door closes...

I set out to find new friends since my old friends hadn't spoken to me in months.  Yes, folks, even in 2010, and even in Seattle, a grown woman can lose all of her friends just by coming out.

These people were not just my neighbors.  We spent holidays together, drove each other to the emergency room with bleeding appendages, watched their children while they went on vacation. 

My ex-husband and I were about to name one couple as guardians of our children in the event that we died together.

But none of that mattered when it came right down to it.

I could just hear the Desperate Housewives sneering at me as I walked my dog down Wisteria Lane, "Ooooh, there goes the scary lesbian!"

Bitches.


Anyway, in my quest to start feeling like less of a freak, I had to find other queer girls to hang with.  So I joined this local lesbian networking website, kind of like Facebook for Seattle dykes.


I made some awesome new friends, but I didn't pay too much attention to the site since I was in a relationship.

On the very same night my ex-girlfriend screamed at me and hung up on me, I received a witty email from an adorable woman.  Here's what she wrote:

Hi there, Sassy.

If you have time in your busy schedule as mom and Superwoman to putter around and do something like eating, walking, or pretty much anything on the spectrum between lazy and adventurous, give a holler.

I will have to look at my own superhero schedule (some people call me Dani the Superwonderful). But, I tend to be flexible as a result of being dutiful towards my commitment to not work too hard!"

Two days later, I was on the ferry going to meet her for coffee/brunch thing. I deliberately picked the day where she had plans later so if it was a total bomb I wouldn't have to stay too long.

She was about 15 minutes late and a mixture of annoyance combined with relief accompanied the thought that I was being stood up.  But then I saw her walking across the street and the first thing I thought was, oh. my. god, she's gorgeous!  Then I thought this:

Mmmmmm. 

Dani walked up to me and gave me a huge bear hug, like we were already friends.  I liked her instantly.  She had super-short hair and the most stunning blue-gray eyes.  To top it all off, she had a kick-ass little body AND she smelled great.  Mmmmmm indeed.

We ate at a little French bistro (my suggestion) and drank mimosas.  Champagne before noon--could this date get any better?!  I smiled and leaned forward across the table.

Both being from the East Coast, we had no shortage of topics to discuss.  She explained that she moved out to Seattle for a relationship that recently ended, and wasn't "ready to date yet."

But here you sit across the table from me.  Whatevs. 

We walked all over the city for hours.  She laughed at my jokes and made fun of my antique flip phone.  I had to restrain myself from continually smelling her neck.

Dani drove me back to the ferry terminal, and I said, "We should take a picture of us together.  Just because you never know the significance someone will have in your life."

Kim Coronel

I smirked the whole way home.  Damn, that was fun.

I have reached a new low in my adult life.

I just Googled: "How to get over a break-up"

Yes, that's right, folks.  SassySeattle is single.

My first girlfriend.

And a relationship that turned out to be more of a mindfuck than I ever bargained for.

...filled with extreme peaks that left me elated and knowing, without a doubt, that I was previously missing something vital in my life

...to valleys that left me hating the person that I was when I was with her.

The night after we officially ended it, she calls. 

"Whatever happened to the girl who would have previously told me to shut the fuck up? Whatever happened to her, huh?"

She's slurring her words, and I know I should end this conversation, quick, but I can't.  I need to hear what the liquor says.

The liquor tells me that I'm a spoiled white girl who doesn't know how fucking easy I have it, that I have nothing better to do than write a stupid blog, that I will never know how hard her life has been.

Does this sound like someone who loves me?

Is this abuse, or just bad behavior?

Snippets from my relationship:

*After not being reachable by cell phone for a couple of hours, she's super angry at me and says she doesn't like "changes in my behavior"

*I hit it off with one of her male friends and she snidely asked me, "So, what, are you going to switch back to boys now?"

*While we were on the phone, I emailed her a link to a beautiful lesbian engagement photo shoot in Seattle. So she got PISSED and said that I was lying to her because she doesn't like it when I'm on the computer while we're on the phone.  I woke to text messages saying that I’m a liar, and that she trusted me and how now she doesn’t believe anything I say because I was "sneaking around on the computer." Followed by an email spanking.  A small excerpt: 

"I am so upset for so many reasons.  If you wanted to be on the computer then just tell me.  The kicker is you actually sucked me in and said that you wanted to get the computer out of the way before you called me.  Then, without telling me, you were back on the internet.  Then you tried to minimize it, to tell me it was only to send me a link.  Your actions felt deliberate and misleading.  It would have been so simple for you to tell me first that you wanted to go send me something on the internet.  I can then choose to wait or not.  It gives me some autonomy, some control of the situation.  The only thing I want to be powerless about is things that don’t involve me or implicate me."

*I became Facebook friends with a woman (exactly same situation as me: 34, married for ten years, now is gay...divorcing) who lives across the country and she was convinced that I am going to fly there to sleep with this woman.

*She was upset that I was hanging out with a female friend (also gay) not because I was hanging out but because I didn't "tell her in advance."

*We went to a concert in a bar, it wasn't really my thing and I didn't really enjoy myself.  On the way home, she berated me for about twenty minutes, saying that I ruined her good time and I was a liar for not saying that I wanted to leave.

*I received flowers from another woman (totally unsolicited on my part.)  Girlfriend broke up with me.  By email.  At night.

Tell me, am I going crazy?

And...coming out to my mother...

Here's the actual email I sent:

Hey Mom,

So…I’ve been dating someone for a while…a woman. I have never been happier. Ex-husband and the kids know her, and they fully support me.  Ex-husband and I are still best friends and we both want what’s best for everyone.

I lost all of my friends and that’s been really hard.

I didn’t know how you would feel about this so I wanted to give you time to process it. You’re not surprised, are you?





Here's her actual reply (every single word):

I'm fine.  NOT surprised.