Did I ever mention before that I have a phobia of needles and blood? It's bad. Really bad. Like, I start to get dizzy and sweaty and red on the way to the doctor even if there is a chance I may get blood drawn.
While in the hall, my friend Dani texted me and asked me if she could tag along with my girlfriend and I to roller derby that night. Dani was trying to get over a broken heart and wanted to be social. I called her back and told her of course, meet us there.
Wrong answer, folks.
Girlfriend SCREAMED at me in the car while I drove us to Seattle. Screamed so loud the windows on my car vibrated. She was pissed that I invited Dani and didn't ask her first, pissed that I wouldn’t tell her every word of our phone conversation, just simply PISSED.
I said, “Do you really want to enter into the mean mommy/naughty baby dynamic with me? Because I will fucking win that battle. I have a mother already, she lives three thousand miles away and that’s close enough. I don’t need another person in my life telling me what the fuck to do.”
I took a deep breath and said, “Look, this is never going to work without clinical intervention.” And she flipped out again, saying I was threatening her and why do I keep threatening her? I said I wasn’t threatening, but that if she refused to go back to couples therapy then it was simply never going to work out for us.
So she was quiet for a few minutes and then she said, “I think we should break up.”
Okay, fine. I turned up the music and kept driving to the arena.
At this point, I'm just amused and surprised at this turn of events, and frankly, even a little relieved.
So we get to the arena and she’s outside saying she doesn’t want to go in, and Dani was there waiting for us. I used my best social work skills to talk her into going in.
"Come onnnn, we're going to have a good time, let's go hang with our friends and drink some beer and look at hot chicks."
Once inside, we went to get beers for everyone. As we're standing in line she said, “You’re not even acting like my girlfriend, you’re not holding my hand or talking to me at all.”
“I’m a little confused, an hour ago you said you wanted to break up. If we’re broken up, we’re broken up...I don’t have to act like your girlfriend anymore.”
So she stormed off (and stupidly, I followed) and she was making a total scene inside the arena, pointing in my face, calling me a bitch.
Public humiliation...always a fun time.
Right at that moment, another one of my friends walks up says, “Are you guys going in?”
Girlfriend says, no, we’re leaving. I said, “No, we’re not. I have to say goodbye to Dani.” Girlfriend says, “You can text her goodbye. We’re going. NOW.” And she walked out the door.
I followed her out and said, “Here’s a concept that you haven’t figured out yet. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. I’m going back inside to say goodbye to my friends like a grown up.”
She said, “Fine. I’m going home.”
Good luck with that one, honey, because I drove your ass here.
Later, I drove her home. She didn’t speak for the whole 60 miles except to tell me that I won, that I succeeded in making her look like a villain in front of my friends. I made her look like the villain?
So we got to her house and I packed all of my stuff. I asked her if I had everything because I wasn’t coming back.
As I turned the doorknob to leave she said, “It was never going to work out, I can’t be the person you want me to be.”
And I think that may have been the truest statement of our entire relationship.
In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "We are so over, we need a new word for over."