April 19, 2011

Stupid is as stupid does, Forrest

Did I ever mention before that I have a phobia of needles and blood?  It's bad.  Really bad.  Like, I start to get dizzy and sweaty and red on the way to the doctor even if there is a chance I may get blood drawn.

So the other day in my Chemical Dependency class, we were about to watch a movie about heroin addiction.  Professor warned us that it was very graphic and I told him I would step outside, lest I pass out in the middle of class and look like this:


While in the hall, my friend Dani texted me and asked me if she could tag along with my girlfriend and I to roller derby that night.  Dani was trying to get over a broken heart and wanted to be social.  I called her back and told her of course, meet us there.

Wrong answer, folks. 

Girlfriend SCREAMED at me in the car while I drove us to Seattle. Screamed so loud the windows on my car vibrated.  She was pissed that I invited Dani and didn't ask her first, pissed that I wouldn’t tell her every word of our phone conversation, just simply PISSED.

I said, “Do you really want to enter into the mean mommy/naughty baby dynamic with me? Because I will fucking win that battle. I have a mother already, she lives three thousand miles away and that’s close enough. I don’t need another person in my life telling me what the fuck to do.”

Nothing she was saying was making any sense.

After a while she says, “Okay, I love you again.” She pulled me over and kissed me on the cheek.

I took a deep breath and said, “Look, this is never going to work without clinical intervention.” And she flipped out again, saying I was threatening her and why do I keep threatening her? I said I wasn’t threatening, but that if she refused to go back to couples therapy then it was simply never going to work out for us.

So she was quiet for a few minutes and then she said, “I think we should break up.”

Okay, fine.  I turned up the music and kept driving to the arena.

At this point, I'm just amused and surprised at this turn of events, and frankly, even a little relieved.

So we get to the arena and she’s outside saying she doesn’t want to go in, and Dani was there waiting for us.  I used my best social work skills to talk her into going in.

"Come onnnn, we're going to have a good time, let's go hang with our friends and drink some beer and look at hot chicks." 

Once inside, we went to get beers for everyone. As we're standing in line she said, “You’re not even acting like my girlfriend, you’re not holding my hand or talking to me at all.”

“I’m a little confused, an hour ago you said you wanted to break up. If we’re broken up, we’re broken up...I don’t have to act like your girlfriend anymore.”

So she stormed off (and stupidly, I followed) and she was making a total scene inside the arena, pointing in my face, calling me a bitch. 

Public humiliation...always a fun time.

Right at that moment, another one of my friends walks up says, “Are you guys going in?”

Girlfriend says, no, we’re leaving. I said, “No, we’re not. I have to say goodbye to Dani.” Girlfriend says, “You can text her goodbye. We’re going. NOW.” And she walked out the door.

I followed her out and said, “Here’s a concept that you haven’t figured out yet. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. I’m going back inside to say goodbye to my friends like a grown up.”

She said, “Fine. I’m going home.”

Good luck with that one, honey, because I drove your ass here.

Later, I drove her home.  She didn’t speak for the whole 60 miles except to tell me that I won, that I succeeded in making her look like a villain in front of my friends.  I made her look like the villain?

So we got to her house and I packed all of my stuff. I asked her if I had everything because I wasn’t coming back.

As I turned the doorknob to leave she said, “It was never going to work out, I can’t be the person you want me to be.”

And I think that may have been the truest statement of our entire relationship.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "We are so over, we need a new word for over."


  1. Yuck! That is a horrible public breakup and Im sorry you had to go through it (and even more sorry you had to miss the roller derby!). It sounds like she needs to do some serious work on her own stuff before being able to offer it to anyone else. Kudos for seeing that and not getting all "lesbian entangled" in it!

  2. Wow. OK. She needs help. And you need a break from all those people trying to control you (your mother included). Good luck dear. :-)

  3. Sorry that you had to go thru such drama. Why do women do this? Why do we have to have a complete and utter dramatic scene to make a break? If she felt like she was not able to live up to some unreasonable expectation, why didn't she approach you like an adult and talk about it at an appropriate time (who wants to miss out on roller derby - lol)? Ugh!

    Sending hugs and good vibes your way.

  4. She clearly doesn't have her shit together, or like we say in Finland "not all the spoons in the drawer". Try to stay away from her, for your own sake! :) And good luck!

  5. Why are women like this? I can relate to this. Some women. Make a decision that they don't mean, and then expect you to know the true meaning behind what they are saying.

    My language: Seriously, I just want to be alone.
    What I'm actually saying: Seriously, I just want to be alone.

    Some Women's language: Fine. We are done then. Leave me alone!
    What they are really saying: Why haven't you kissed me? I am super insecure with everything that I do, need extra confirmation that you like me, and PLEASE don't leave because I will cry.

    Why are some women so cryptic?!? Wouldn't it be easier to mean what you say and say what you mean? Nah. Not complicated enought, right?

    That's probably not the last you will hear of her too btw. She will find an excuse to call or text, just to see if you miss her. It will seem harmless. I can tell you, it's not. Look out! ;)

  6. Fatty,

    My language: Will you marry me?
    What I'm really saying: Will you marry me?


  7. I have come to the basic conclusion that all women should come with a warning label saying:
    “Warning, women can cause serious lack in judgement, affect your current account, self-belief and good standing among your friends... Fuck at own risk”

    Not that it would make much of a difference when infatuation controls the moment – but at least we can say one thing with certain - We were warned.


  8. I love reading your posts- I've moved to seattle the past year and a half, and it's fun to know that you're in the area!

  9. Well, I thought I was the lone ranger. Guess not. My ex loved to make something out of nothing on a constant basis. For example, if I ask what she wants me to make for dinner.... I get yelled at in the grocery store for asking because she has too much on her mind and can't think of trivial things like what she wants for dinner. I should just shut the fuck up and decide. Maybe I do ask too many questions and I am working on that... but she is just bat shit crazy. At some point, we as women, just need to move on from the drama. In some ways I think I must have liked it to stay... what the hell does that make me? Bat shit crazy too, I guess. But honestly... it's not worth it. I want peace and a long lasting, stable, passionate love - that is not like a fucking wooden roller coaster ride. Ya know????

  10. Yikes, what the hell? YOU made her look like a villain? I would say that if anyone who witnessed the events thinks that way of her as a result, that's all on her, with her screaming and finger pointing right in front of a crowd of people.