Coming out to my daughter...

I decided tonight was the night I was going to tell my older daughter(she's 14) that I am gay.  I put the little one to bed, called her  downstairs and softened the blow by offering her cookies and milk.  Cookies and milk!  Who can resist that?!

We stood in the kitchen eating our cookies.  My voice shook as I explained that I've always questioned my sexuality, and that I dated a woman before I got married. I told her that recently these feelings came back to the point where I'm sure now that I am gay.


She was a little amused, at this point I think, smiling because she was nervous and it was surreal.


She asked me what this means for our family.

"I can't stay married to a man if I'm gay, honey," I said.

She cried on my shoulder so much that the sleeve of my sweater was soaked.  She and my husband are so very close and she wanted to know how he was dealing with it. I explained that he supports me fully and that we are committed to maintaining a peaceful home and continuing to be best friends. 


It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.


At the end, she said, "Mom, I get it. It's who you are and you can't change that. It's just a lot of information to take in at one time."


"By the way," she said on her way up the stairs, "Those cookies will forever be known as the gay cookies."



For more information about coming out to your children, please visit the COLAGE website at http://www.colage.org/resources/coming_out.htm

A kiss and a crash...

I invited my new crush over to my house and then out for lunch.  After she met my kids and I gave her a tour of the house, we walked over to a Mexican restaurant where she spoke Spanish to the waitress.  (Did I mention that she's trilingual?  OMG so sexy.)

After lunch we walked down to the beach.  She took off her jacket and laid it down on the rocks so we would have something to sit on.  We held hands and cuddled, and she kissed my hands and rubbed my back.  I heard the waves in the background but everything else was absolutely still.  Eventually, our faces turned towards each other and we kissed.

It was like the whole world stood still for a moment.  This is what people write love songs about, I thought.  I saw angels and heard trumpets and my heart was exploding.  It was the most perfect kiss ever.

Marred only by reality....

My new crush was sleeping on a twin bed in her son's room until her ex-girlfriend moved out, but things there seemed a little weird to me.  I had always heard about the never-ending lesbian breakup but I never witnessed it for myself.  Until now.

They still went out to dinner, watched movies and had beers together.  When her ex had car trouble, M ran right over to figure out what was wrong. 

She would text her ex when she was having dinner with me.  (Behavior I would NEVER have tolerated from a man.  If a guy texted his ex while on a date with me, I would have picked up my purse, all classy-like and walked right out.)

I was starting to feel like the other woman, the rebound girl.  I worried that there was still a chance they would get back together and if I was wondering, surely her ex was hoping.

Things got worse...


I saw her in class and she looked at me with tired, bloodshot eyes.


"What's wrong?" I asked.


"I'm tired of crying.  I was up all night," she said.  "She stole my phone in the middle of the night and read all of our text messages."


"So she's got my phone number now?"


"Yes, but I don't think she will call you."

 I really had to weigh my options here.  How much do I want this?  I could walk down the street and hold her hand, but she refused, saying she wanted to "respect" her ex.


Finally, it hit me. 

I'm the third person in that crumbling relationship.  I realized I had to back out, if only for the sake of my own dignity.

"If you are crying over her," I said, "Then you still have unresolved issues with that relationship.  I cannot be the one to heal you. 

I want you to contact me when and if your relationship is truly over, and you can be with me for real."


Now I can't breathe.  Love like this just doesn't go away, right?

Signs that I was gay...before I even knew

I'm finding it humorous that now that I've come out, I've discovered many signs that should have clued me in to my gayness SO much earlier.


Here's my list:

• I always brought up the gay topic to gauge someone's reaction. For example, I would mention at a large family dinner that I went to a gay bar and got hit on by other women. (True, by the way.) But I would bring up the subject specifically to see if they were gay-friendly or not.

• I used to go to gay bars alone. (Um, hello? What straight, married, soccer mom does this?!)

• I have a painting of a naked woman sitting on the edge of a bathtub...I always thought it was so beautiful: her long hair, the curve of her back.  

• One of my favorite things in my house is my statue of Artemis, Greek goddess of the hunt...my new friends tell me this is SO gay.

• I had a huge crush on my college math teacher.  She was also the coach of the girl's volleyball team.  Straight, but very butch.  I used to hang around after class and offer to carry things back to her office with her.

• I love all the typical lesbian music: Indigo Girls, k.d. lang, etc. But I was so obsessed with Melissa Etheridge that a few years ago, my mother asked me if I was gay.  Of course, I quickly said no.
  

• I always avoided touching other women. 

Since I've come out, no one has been shocked when I tell them I'm gay.  I suppose if they knew me well, they knew that I always liked girls.  But if it was so bloody obvious, why didn't they tell me?

What about you? What were the signs you were gay before you knew??

Maria, Maria...she reminds me of a west side story...

During my first graduate school class last fall, we went around the room and introduced ourselves.  One of my classmates began to speak, and something inside me snapped to attention.  I couldn't stop watching her from across the room.  She was so beautiful and her voice was captivating. She had a smile that warmed me inside, and skin the color of a perfect cappucino. 

Have I mentioned before how much I love coffee?

Our university is in a not-so-safe area and our classes are at night, so we began walking to our cars together after class.  I learned that she was in the middle of a break-up with her girlfriend of five years.  She learned that I was at the beginning of a divorce.  Pretty soon, we were talking everyday and meeting for dinner before class.

Not knowing how to flirt with a woman, I was at a loss of what to do.  One night, fueled by a few of glasses of wine, I sent her a text and told her that I think she is incredibly sexy. (Which, by the way, I feel strongly that cell phones should have a breathalyzer attached to them that automatically disables the phone if you're drunk.  This would have saved my ass many, many times.) 

 After class one night I drove her to her car, she gathered her things and got out.  She startled me when she opened the door to my car and got back in. 

"I just came back to give you a hug," she said. 

When she put her arms around me, I swear I got struck by lightning. 

Literally.
I was overwhelmed by the feel of her hair in my face and my hands on her back.  I knew that I could never live without that feeling in my life anymore.


But what did I say in that moment? The moment that my soul finally found what it was searching for my whole life?  The moment that I felt complete and perfect and emotional and ecstatic??



"You smell GREAT," I said.


The dumbest thing ever.

I hope she still likes me.

The first cut is the deepest...

One night I was out walking my dog and I felt like I was going crazy, crying and walking.  I knew that I was gay, and my husband knew I was gay, but no one else knew.    Always a believer that secrets are like poison, I just knew I had to tell someone. Right then. Right that very second.


I called my friend who lives around the block, and asked her if I could come over to talk. When I got to her house, her husband took one look at the box of Kleenex in my hand and hightailed it right out of there.


She poured us each a glass of wine and asked me what was going on.  I blurted out, "We're getting divorced." She asked why and I said,




"Because I'm gay."




Silence.






Then she walked over to me, gave me the tightest hug and cried right along with me.

I live within shouting distance of my very closest friends. We have parties, spend holidays together and our kids are all friends.  Whether I need a cup of sugar or a bottle of tequila, my friends are there for me. 

My friend and I discussed which of our friends would be okay with me being gay, and which ones I should absolutely not tell.  One of my friends gives her son Playboys so he won't "turn out gay."  Yeah, probably shouldn't break the news to her.  But we agreed everyone else should be okay with it.  I mean, we're young, we're liberals and we live in Seattle, for God's sake.  They will all still love me anyway, right?

Except one:  my friend's husband Robbie is a midwestern, corn-fed, football loving conservative.  I had no idea how he would take the news.  My best guess was that he wouldn't speak to me and wouldn't allow our kids to play together anymore.

As I slowly began telling my friends that I am gay, I became more and more anxious about what Robbie would do.  The last thing I wanted was for my kids to suffer any negative consequences because of me.  I also wondered if my friends would begin to take sides, choosing between supporting my husband or me.  Word was spreading fast among my friends (no matter how much someone promises they won't tell, they always do...bitches!)

One night, there was a knock at the door.  It was Robbie.  He wrapped me up in a huge bear hug.  He told me that he would support me no matter what, and that they would always be my friends.

I sure hope he means it.